Your intent to help yourself began with the click
of the mouse. The deep pain that you feel over your loss is normal,
but you will be best equipped to deal with your child or children from
a healed perspective. The journey is a little different for each of
us, but there is a roadmap within that guides us by hunches and
intuitions, step by step, as to how to proceed with our healing,
regardless of what we are healing. Some steps that have helped others
to help themselves find his/her healing roadmap within areas follows:
- Set your intent to heal. That doesn’t mean
that you are leaving behind your children or being careless about
what has happened to your relationship. You can best take steps to
heal the relationship if you have healed yourself from the pain that
you feel. Decide that healing is what you want, and begin to focus
on that, rather than on your pain and loss.
- Educate yourself about PAS. Research and read about it. There are three especially good books that I like. One is Dr. Douglas
Darnall’s Divorce Causalities , the second Dr. Richard A. Warshak’s Divorce Poison and the other is Clawar and Rivlin's Children Held Hostage: Dealing with
Programmed and Brainwashed Children. Talk with knowledgeable people. They will have
personal or professional experience and
information about what PAS is and isn’t. Educating yourself
will help you to understand your situation more fully. Use what
applies to you and discard the rest. You can also check
web sites. As a general rule it is best to stay away from the
sites with social agendas rather than educational or healing
purposes.
- Know and remember that your PAS child still
loves you. He/she just doesn't know how when caught up in this syndrome
- Find a mental health professional to talk with
about your feelings and the circumstances in which you find
yourself, especially if you are depressed or feeling unable to go
on. Ask questions of the professional and listen for answers
that tell you that you are working with someone who is familiar with
the research, sparse as it is, and with the dynamics of PAS.
Listen to your level of comfort with this person. Check local mental
health organizations and psychological associations for names. If
you have trouble finding a mental health professional in your local
area, click on the additional services link.
- Process your complicated feelings. This
is one of the most important steps you will take. There will be many
feelings: shame, embarrassment, anger, hopelessness, despair,
feeling cheated, wronged, and more. There may even be grief or
depression. One of the best ways to help process your feelings is to
work with a psychotherapist. You can also share with a trusted
friend, write in a journal, create art, or even dance to music.
Do what you need to do to identify what you are feeling because what
you allow yourself to feel will heal you.
- Develop a support team. This might include
best friends, family members, clergy, and pets, massage therapists,
hairdressers and manicurists. If you are involved in litigation, be
sure to include a knowledgeable attorney with expertise, experience,
and success dealing with PAS. These are the people you trust and who
can help you to keep hope alive.
- Be creative. It will help you to help yourself
heal. Joyce Hawkes, who holds a Ph.D. in Biophysics has written in
her poem "Stirring the Waters" that "Healing occurs in the manner
of creation cell by cell, coursing through the molecules, stretching
the membranes, stirring the waters to life." Whatever it is you have
always wanted to create, begin. Whether it's a canvas, a room in
your house, or a song to compose, let yourself. You will notice
something inside you coming to life.
- Find ways to sustain and nurture yourself.
Know what replenishes you and do it. Enjoy walks in nature, listen
to music, go to church, read in your local library, join a choir or
organization you have always been interested in, take a class or
learn to meditate. Be sure to include your physical, emotional, and
your spiritual selves.
If you need more information about how to
personalize your journey to help yourself heal, click on the link additional services.
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Parental Alienation 2007
